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Thread: Post a Joke.

  1. #21

    The Perfect Man

    Fern Modena
    To email me, click here
    No one can make you feel inferior without your permission--Eleanor Roosevelt

  2. #22

    Cheaper Health Plan

    CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

    TOP 10 INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE
    PLAN:

    10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

    9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
    the trailer park."

    8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

    7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

    6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a
    day."

    5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
    last month.

    4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a
    typographical error.

    3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

    2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

    AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

    1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

  3. #23

    Why God made Moms, by 2nd graders

    WHY God made moms" answers given by 2nd grade school children to the
    following questions.

    Why did God make mothers?
    1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    2. Mostly to clean the house.
    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

    How did God make mothers?
    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

    What ingredients are mothers made of?
    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
    world and one dab of mean.
    2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
    string, I think.

    Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
    1. We're related.
    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

    What kind of little girl was your Mom?
    1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
    2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    3. They say she used to be nice.

    What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
    1. His last name.
    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
    beer?
    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
    chores?

    Why did your Mom marry your dad?
    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
    2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
    3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. (My personal
    favorite!)

    Who's the boss at your house?
    1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
    ball.
    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

    What's the difference between moms and dads?
    1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's
    who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have
    magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

    What does your Mom do in her spare time?
    1. Mothers don't do spare time.
    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

    What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
    1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
    plastic surgery.
    2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

    If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
    that.
    2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of
    her head.

  4. #24
    A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very
    surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face
    was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you look" and couldn't remember
    ever having seen her before.

    Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
    apologized.
    "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought
    you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

    The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world
    coming to, here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers
    her children!

    Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but,
    MAYBE....during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college,
    perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in
    the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college
    and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in
    front of everyone?"

    "No!" she said with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's
    second-grade teacher!"
    Jacki

  5. #25
    Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
    between a little girl and some construction workers that
    makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a
    child the gift of our time...
    A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant
    lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a
    house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
    took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to make her feel important.
    At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and
    asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with
    the crew building the house next door to us." " My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
    The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***in sheet rock..."
    Jacki

  6. #26
    ARE THESE PEOPLE FOR REAL?
    (yes, and they will probably reproduce)


    ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

    TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

    THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

    FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

    FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

    SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

    SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

    EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

    NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency

    Life is tough.

    It's tougher if you're stupid!"

  7. #27

    2 to 200 in 4 seconds

    The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
    He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
    could zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

    Services are pending

  8. #28
    A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have
    a job".
    The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
    You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."


    The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

    The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
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  9. #29
    The Hikers

    One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

    Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

    Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

    Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

    Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

    Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
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  10. #30
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NE North Carolina
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    2,257

    Snow & Rain

    There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and
    discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

    After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

    Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought.

    In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we
    wear rubbers!"

    Don't you just love little old ladies!
    Robert

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