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Thread: Post a Joke.

  1. #11
    An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
    A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair
    in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
    The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man
    was staring.
    The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,
    never done anything wild in your life?"
    Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
    with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son"

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  2. #12
    Goomba & Super Moderator tonyg's Avatar
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    Good and evil

    In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
    the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and
    red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
    healthy lives.

    Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
    and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
    And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add
    some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

    And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
    that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
    wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from
    size 6 to size 14.

    So God said, "Try my fresh ! green salad." And Satan presented
    Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
    And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said! , "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
    in which to cook them.

    " And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
    it needed its own platter.

    And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

    God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
    and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
    "Devil's Food."

    God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
    those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
    would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed
    and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

    Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
    with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
    starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

    God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
    still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
    double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man
    replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And
    Man went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

    Then Satan created HMOs.

  3. #13
    Past Goumba President & BigFrank's Cigar Buddy! The Conch Man's Avatar
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    Talking

    This is a serious problem that plays on your sympathies. Do not be fooled! This is a trick!

    Men, please tell your women to watch out for this.



    ~ Do What I Say, Not What I Do! ~

  4. #14
    Who's On First" -- new version



    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

    George: Great. Lay it on me.

    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

    George: That's what I want to know.

    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: I mean the fellow's name.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The guy in China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The new leader of China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The main man in China!

    Condi: Hu is leading China.

    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

    Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

    Condi: That's the man's name.

    George: That's who's name?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

    Condi: That's correct.

    George: Then who is in China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir is in China?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Then who is?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: No, thanks.

    Condi: You want Kofi?

    George: No.

    Condi: You don't want Kofi.

    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

    Condi: And call who?

    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

    Condi: Hu is the guy in China

    George: Will you stay out of China!

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi.

    George: All right! With cream and two sugars
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  5. #15

    Talking Parting Thought:

    98-year-old Mother Superior....from Ireland....was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

    One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

    Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

    "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

    She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow!"





  6. #16

    Just a weeee bit....

    "An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
    marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children
    beyond compare

    With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

    Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous
    daughters that positively took his breath away.
    So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to
    marry one of them.

    The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you
    came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

    The man dated the first daughter.
    The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

    "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
    hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so
    the man went out with the second daughter.

    The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

    "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
    hardly tell...cross-eyed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
    things might be better. So he did.

    The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

    "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

    So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
    When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the
    ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his
    father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the
    beauty of the parents.

    "Well," explained the farmer,
    "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
    pregnant when you met her."

  7. #17
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    Alternate Cure

    The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

    The owner asks the new clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

    The new clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"

    The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

    The new clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can!, Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
    Robert

  8. #18
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    The Italian Bride

    Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was
    still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she
    was very nervous.

    Her mother reassured her; “Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go
    upstairs and he’ll take care of you. Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.”

    So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
    exposed his hairy chest.

    Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a
    big hairy chest.” “Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother, “all good men
    have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.

    So, up she went again.

    When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his
    hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

    “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

    “Don’t worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man.

    Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.

    So, up she went again.

    When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was
    missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

    “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!

    Her mama said, “Stay here and stir the pasta.

    Robert

  9. #19
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    Coaches

    The high school coaches in Boise, Idaho went to a coaches' retreat.

    To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with
    Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to
    make one of them stay with him the whole time so they voted to take
    turns. The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to breakfast next
    morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what
    happened to you?" He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched
    him all night."
    The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same
    thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
    They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
    He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
    The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
    player-looking type of man's man.
    Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
    "Good morning."
    They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?"
    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
    and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long."
    Robert

  10. #20
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    Colonscopies

    A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
    patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
    colonoscopies:

    1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
    before!"

    2. "Find Amelia Earheart yet?"

    3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

    4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

    5. "You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married."

    6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

    7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

    8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

    9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

    10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

    11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?"

    12. "God! Now I know why I am not gay."

    And the best one of them all....

    13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
    there!
    Robert

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