Ebates Coupons and Cash Back
Page 1 of 39 12311 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 386

Thread: Post a Joke.

  1. #1

    Post a Joke.

    I am Trying to keep most of the Jokes posted here on one thread. It is still ok to post them outside of this thread if you like.
    I just feel it maybe better to view them all this way.



    Timeshareforums Shirts and Mugs on sale now! http://www.cafepress.com/ts4ms

  2. #2
    Subject: Choosing Heaven or Hell?


    A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in
    heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
    is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
    so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

    "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
    you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
    spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

    "I'm sorry but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
    down, down to Hell.

    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
    In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends
    and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and
    in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the
    good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

    Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
    time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that,
    before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and
    waves while the elevator rises.

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter
    is waiting for him.

    "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

    So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls
    moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
    time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
    returns.

    "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
    your eternity."

    He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never
    have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
    better off in Hell."

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
    Hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land
    covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
    picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to
    him and lays his arm on his neck.

    "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
    was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had
    a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my
    friends look miserable.

    The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
    campaigning...Today you voted for us!"



    Timeshareforums Shirts and Mugs on sale now! http://www.cafepress.com/ts4ms

  3. #3

    Talking

    Here's something that should come in handy these days!

    It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during thecourse of normal conversation with their co-workers.

    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

    Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

    1) TRY SAYING:
    I think you could use more training.
    INSTEAD OF:
    You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

    2) TRY SAYING:
    She's an aggressive go-getter.
    INSTEAD OF:
    She's a ball-busting b__ch.

    3) TRY SAYING:
    Perhaps I can work late.
    INSTEAD OF:
    And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

    4) TRY SAYING:
    I'm certain that isn't feasible.
    INSTEAD OF:
    No f___ing way.

    5) TRY SAYING:
    Really?
    INSTEAD OF:
    You've got to be sh__ing me!

    6) TRY SAYING:
    Perhaps you should check with...
    INSTEAD OF:
    Tell someone who gives a sh__.

    7) TRY SAYING:
    I wasn't involved in the project.
    INSTEAD OF:
    It's not my f____ing problem.

    8) TRY SAYING:
    That's interesting.
    INSTEAD OF:
    What the f___?

    9) TRY SAYING:
    I'm not sure this can be implemented.
    INSTEAD OF:
    This sh__ won't work.

    10) TRY SAYING:
    I'll try to schedule that.
    INSTEAD OF:
    Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?

    11) TRY SAYING:
    He's not familiar with the issues.
    INSTEAD OF:
    He's got his head up his a__.

    12) TRY SAYING:
    Excuse me, sir?
    INSTEAD OF:
    Eat sh__ and die.
    13) TRY SAYING:
    So you weren't happy with it?
    INSTEAD OF:
    Kiss my a__.
    14) TRY SAYING:
    I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
    INSTEAD OF:
    F___ it, I'm on salary.

    15) TRY SAYING:
    I don't think you understand.
    INSTEAD OF:
    Shove it up your a__.

    16) TRY SAYING:
    I love a challenge.
    INSTEAD OF:
    This job sucks.

    17) TRY SAYING:
    You want me to take care of that?
    INSTEAD OF:
    Who the h___ died and made you boss?

    18 ) TRY SAYING:
    He's somewhat insensitive.
    INSTEAD OF:
    He's a pr_ck.

    Thank You,
    Human Resources
    Fern Modena
    To email me, click here
    No one can make you feel inferior without your permission--Eleanor Roosevelt

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NE North Carolina
    Posts
    2,308

    Parrots

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing,
    'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

    "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

    "You know," he said, "I may have a solution. I have two male parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrots over to my house, we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter, and they will teach your parrots to praise and worship. Your parrots are sure to stop saying that in no time."

    The next day she brought her parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and put her parrots in with them.

    Immediately, her female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.

    One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NE North Carolina
    Posts
    2,308

    Jokes for Fun

    Jokes for Fun


    This explains why we forward jokes.

    A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
    scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

    He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
    years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

    After a while, they came to a high, white stonewall along one side of the
    road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was
    broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

    When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
    looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked
    like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got
    closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

    When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

    "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

    "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

    "Of course, sir. Come right in. I'll have some ice water brought right up."

    The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

    "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler
    asked.

    "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

    The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
    continued the way he had been going with his dog.

    After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a
    dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been
    closed. There was no fence.

    As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
    reading a book.

    "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

    "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

    "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

    "There should be a bowl by the pump."

    They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
    hand pump with a bowl beside it.

    The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink, then gave some to the dog.

    When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
    standing by the tree.

    "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

    "This is Heaven," he answered.

    "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said
    that was Heaven, too."

    "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
    That's hell."

    "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

    "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
    best friends behind."

    Soooo...Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us
    without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but
    still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

    You forward jokes.

    When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward
    jokes.

    When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how,
    you forward jokes.

    Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
    important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

    A forwarded joke.

    So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just
    another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your
    friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

    You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!

  6. #6
    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having
    a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of
    the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
    it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
    Lady 1: What's that?
    Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get
    wet.
    Lady 1: Where did you get it?
    Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
    The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
    drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
    wants a box of condoms.
    The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
    strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
    but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
    "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
    The pharmacist fainted



    Timeshareforums Shirts and Mugs on sale now! http://www.cafepress.com/ts4ms

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NE North Carolina
    Posts
    2,308

    Tadpoles to Frogs

    Don't let this happen to yours!

  8. #8

    Hearing

    A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

    The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go
    to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    No response.

    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Again, no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

    Again, there is no response.

    So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


    (I just love this.)



    "Ted, for the 5th time, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"



    Timeshareforums Shirts and Mugs on sale now! http://www.cafepress.com/ts4ms

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NE North Carolina
    Posts
    2,308

    Wink I Need To Slim Down

    Man...i'm Getting So Fat I Can Hardly Scratch My Own Butt!!

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NE North Carolina
    Posts
    2,308

    That isn't Ted, but Robert!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by bigfrank
    ... "Ted, for the 5th time, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"
    I can't hear a thing.

Page 1 of 39 12311 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. La Sammana Atlantic City
    By buff in forum North Eastern - NY NJ CT RI MA VT NH ME
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 07-12-2005, 02:18 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •