I can't shop at Walmart anymore

RESORT2ME · #1 (**permalink**) 10-20-2009, 09:33 PM

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat a couple every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again because I had gained so much lately. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.
I told her, "Oh no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both."

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

shaggy · #2 (**permalink**) 10-20-2009, 10:03 PM

That was too funny!!!

shaggy

PHILL12 · #3 (**permalink**) 10-21-2009, 01:57 AM

This is funny!

I was already thinking ahead that this person believed you and was going to grab a bag !

PHILL12

LisaH · #4 (**permalink**) 10-21-2009, 02:40 AM

OMG! The best laugh I have had all week!!!

grest · #5 (**permalink**) 10-21-2009, 05:50 AM

Hey, I've met a few strange sorts at Wal-Mart...have you been in Ocala, FL, lately???

Kay H · #6 (**permalink**) 10-21-2009, 11:04 AM

That is a great one. Surprise ending.

T. R. Oglodyte · #7 (**permalink**) 10-21-2009, 12:05 PM

Big Frank one time told us why someone wasn't able to shop at Home Depot:

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigfrank

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shame facedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either.

BILL_B · #8 (**permalink**) 10-21-2009, 01:29 PM

*

tide09 · #9 (**permalink**) 12-01-2009, 03:16 AM

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe.
Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed.
His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend,
whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually?
You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message
'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written,
'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip.
A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend.
It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
__________________
La mutuelle familiale de France
Devis mutuelle familiale des cheminots fr

longtimer · #10 (**permalink**) 12-01-2009, 03:42 PM

What a hoot! Thanks for brightening up my day!